I can and I will.

I don't know what it is about science that relies on math (so that's, uh, everything but bio) that makes me want to crawl under a rock in the fetal position and cry. And then smack myself because its fucking pointless. And then resume crying at the realization that its pointless.

Everybody seems to understand chemistry concepts with ease that I have to really work to grasp. When I took fundamental chem I passed it with an A (on a curve) but it took a tremendous amount of effort, and nearly daily tutoring.

So here I am nearly 4 years later, and that was so long ago (and high school chemistry was even longer, maybe 10 years ago) that I feel like I've never seen/done/learned chemistry in my life before. Everything is brand spankin' new to me. And I constantly doubt myself. I am expecting myself not to understand it. And then I realize that what I am doing is a cheap cop out. If I tell myself that I can't do chemistry, then I am giving myself permission to stop trying. I am constantly waging this war within myself. I cant do it, yes I can, no, I cant.


I tried to get help in the student success center on campus. The tutor sort of assumed that I had a basic understanding that I didn't, and she was (I felt) patronizing. You just convert the bla and then you get blah. duh. I do not understand you, woman! It was really uncomfortable and not all that useful. So I'm planning on attempting private chem tutoring, with a tutor who did right by me for bio.


It annoys me when people say, you must either have the talent, or the motivation, to learn. I don't care how motivated you are, if you don't have the mental capacity to understand something, you never will understand it. End of story. If however you have the capacity, then your motivation will allow you to attain that understanding. But don't tell me that I can try as hard as I can and it will make me magically understand chemistry. No freaking way. I'm not saying I'm incapable of learning/doing chemistry, but if I was, I would be damned if someone was blaming my lack of motivation for it. That's like telling a person, anyone can become a doctor! I sure as hell hope not. This is not puppies and candycanes land. NOT everyone can be a physician. Sad truth, but truth no less.

At this point I refuse to believe that I cant do chemistry because a) I at least did fundamental chemistry successfully before, and b) because I'll be damned if a stupid couple of hard classes is going to stop me from realizing my dream! NO FREAKING WAY!  So then the alternative hypothesis is that I am  psyching myself out, and not giving myself the opportunity to learn it. STOP. IT. How do you stop yourself from getting in your own way?

If I cant make it through these classes then I will just accept the fact that I was not cut out for medicine. But until then I'm going to try like hell to never have to get to the point where I have to accept that as a fact.