So I learned something about myself while I was working as an RN. (Well I learned a lot of things, about myself and otherwise, but that's besides the point).
Granted I was/am a new nurse working my first job - BUT - now that I'm NOT working, I realized how easily I got frazzled, felt defeated, and put negative vibes out into the world. Not to patients ever, but I had a friend or two on the floor that I bitched to relentlessly when things were going wrong. I couldn't help myself.
Yet time and time again, I found that when I was in need of help, the helping hand came from someone who was ready and willing, and had a smile on their face and was willing to help even though they were busy with patients of their own. I really admired that in other nurses but I did not work long enough to cultivate that in myself.
Maybe if I had worked longer, become more efficient, known more things and had more experience, I would not have felt defeated so quickly. Maybe. But in reality I did not often have (full) control of the situation around me. I prayed for slow, stable days because that is what I could handle. Busy, unstable patients meant that my whole day was thrown off. I stayed until 2230 some nights charting, because I hadn't had a chance.
I remember one morning, I had a very needy patient who had a very needy husband at her side. He hunted me down before I had a chance to even eyeball the rest of my patients, asking me a zillion questions about the vicodin they brought with them vs the vicodin in the pyxis and could she take hers, and oh no sir I cant have you keep that in the room we must send it to the pharmacist, blabla. She was a psych patient, for sure. The husband did not seem to think that his wife understood that the brand and generic were the same active ingredient, so for good measure, he asked me to tell her one more time, even though I was pretty sure she knew that, and just wanted to take her own vicodin.
I just want to point out here that I only ever treated my patients with kindness. Seriously. I was nicer to patients than I was to my family (shame). I never approached them in a way that implied that I was willing to do any less than 100% for them. I pride myself there. Anyway, so I explained once more, at his request. She erupted into screams and sobs, and I stood there beside the bed, speechless, waiting for her to calm down. (I didnt feel that I had done anything wrong; I felt that SHE was wrong, and I couldnt bring myself to kiss her ass, when it was her that was ruining my day and taking me away from sicker patients with more pressing needs). Luckily my (former) preceptor also happened to be a fill in nurse manager so she came in to diffuse the situation, which she did. We ended up sending her vicodin to the pharmacy to be verified, it was then loaded into our pyxis, and all was well, for her. But it ended up being 0830 before I even assessed my other patients, and God knows what time before I administered all the 0900 meds that were scheduled. I walked into a room at 1140 and said, "I have your morning meds" - big freaking mistake at 1140 - and the lady's family berated me for taking so long with her morning meds. They were right, I was late, it was wrong, maybe unsafe even, but there was nothing I could have done to change the course of that morning. I was PISSED that whole day, because some whackjob had thrown off my delicate new-nurse flow by over an hour. That whole day, I was bitchy, I was pouty, I was angry, I could not handle the injustice, and I found myself doing sudden, heavy sighs every few minutes. I never did that in my life before until I became a nurse. On a good day, no sighing. On a bad day, totally involuntary, rapid, heavy sighs. It was how I could tell I needed to take a step back and a breath.
I couldn't help being a negative Nancy on the job, but I really admired nurses who were positive, smiled all the time, and were willing to help me when I was in distress. And I found other Negative Nancies REALLY obnoxious. There was one night nurse who would have a major fit if you didn't change out an IV that was due to be changed that day. As if the 24 hour period for a day ends at 1930. Last I heard, nursing is a 24 hour job. I changed out IVs when I could, but sometimes more important things took precedence. And without fail, she would always make me feel like complete shit for not doing it, but it was only because she was a lazy ass who didnt want to do it herself.
But being cognizant of my own negativity leads me to believe that maybe I was an obnoxious nurse. And that makes me sad as hell.Why couldn't I get a grip when shit hit the fan? If I could do it again (which I probably while at some point while I wait to get into med) I will make a conscious effort to not be such a massive pessimist.
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