I can and I will.

I don't know what it is about science that relies on math (so that's, uh, everything but bio) that makes me want to crawl under a rock in the fetal position and cry. And then smack myself because its fucking pointless. And then resume crying at the realization that its pointless.

Everybody seems to understand chemistry concepts with ease that I have to really work to grasp. When I took fundamental chem I passed it with an A (on a curve) but it took a tremendous amount of effort, and nearly daily tutoring.

So here I am nearly 4 years later, and that was so long ago (and high school chemistry was even longer, maybe 10 years ago) that I feel like I've never seen/done/learned chemistry in my life before. Everything is brand spankin' new to me. And I constantly doubt myself. I am expecting myself not to understand it. And then I realize that what I am doing is a cheap cop out. If I tell myself that I can't do chemistry, then I am giving myself permission to stop trying. I am constantly waging this war within myself. I cant do it, yes I can, no, I cant.


I tried to get help in the student success center on campus. The tutor sort of assumed that I had a basic understanding that I didn't, and she was (I felt) patronizing. You just convert the bla and then you get blah. duh. I do not understand you, woman! It was really uncomfortable and not all that useful. So I'm planning on attempting private chem tutoring, with a tutor who did right by me for bio.


It annoys me when people say, you must either have the talent, or the motivation, to learn. I don't care how motivated you are, if you don't have the mental capacity to understand something, you never will understand it. End of story. If however you have the capacity, then your motivation will allow you to attain that understanding. But don't tell me that I can try as hard as I can and it will make me magically understand chemistry. No freaking way. I'm not saying I'm incapable of learning/doing chemistry, but if I was, I would be damned if someone was blaming my lack of motivation for it. That's like telling a person, anyone can become a doctor! I sure as hell hope not. This is not puppies and candycanes land. NOT everyone can be a physician. Sad truth, but truth no less.

At this point I refuse to believe that I cant do chemistry because a) I at least did fundamental chemistry successfully before, and b) because I'll be damned if a stupid couple of hard classes is going to stop me from realizing my dream! NO FREAKING WAY!  So then the alternative hypothesis is that I am  psyching myself out, and not giving myself the opportunity to learn it. STOP. IT. How do you stop yourself from getting in your own way?

If I cant make it through these classes then I will just accept the fact that I was not cut out for medicine. But until then I'm going to try like hell to never have to get to the point where I have to accept that as a fact.

learned something about myself

So I learned something about myself while I was working as an RN. (Well I learned a lot of things, about myself and otherwise, but that's besides the point).

Granted I was/am a new nurse working my first job - BUT - now that I'm NOT working, I realized how easily I got frazzled, felt defeated, and put negative vibes out into the world. Not to patients ever, but I had a friend or two on the floor that I bitched to relentlessly when things were going wrong. I couldn't help myself.

Yet time and time again, I found that when I was in need of help, the helping hand came from someone who was ready and willing, and had a smile on their face and was willing to help even though they were busy with patients of their own. I really admired that in other nurses but I did not work long enough to cultivate that in myself.

Maybe if I had worked longer, become more efficient, known more things and had more experience, I would not have felt defeated so quickly. Maybe. But in reality I did not often have (full) control of the situation around me. I prayed for slow, stable days because that is what I could handle. Busy, unstable patients meant that my whole day was thrown off. I stayed until 2230 some nights charting, because I hadn't had a chance.

I remember one morning, I had a very needy patient who had a very needy husband at her side. He hunted me down before I had a chance to even eyeball the rest of my patients, asking me a zillion questions about the vicodin they brought with them vs the vicodin in the pyxis and could she take hers, and oh no sir I cant have you keep that in the room we must send it to the pharmacist, blabla. She was a psych patient, for sure. The husband did not seem to think that his wife understood that the brand and generic were the same active ingredient, so for good measure, he asked me to tell her one more time, even though I was pretty sure she knew that, and just wanted to take her own vicodin.

I just want to point out here that I only ever treated my patients with kindness. Seriously. I was nicer to patients than I was to my family (shame). I never approached them in a way that implied that I was willing to do any less than 100% for them. I pride myself there. Anyway, so I explained once more, at his request. She erupted into screams and sobs, and I stood there beside the bed, speechless, waiting for her to calm down. (I didnt feel that I had done anything wrong; I felt that SHE was wrong, and I couldnt bring myself to kiss her ass, when it was her that was ruining my day and taking me away from sicker patients with more pressing needs).  Luckily my (former) preceptor also happened to be a fill in nurse manager so she came in to diffuse the situation, which she did. We ended up sending her vicodin to the pharmacy to be verified, it was then loaded into our pyxis, and all was well, for her. But it ended up being 0830 before I even assessed my other patients, and God knows what time before I administered all the 0900 meds that were scheduled. I walked into a room at 1140 and said, "I have your morning meds" - big freaking mistake at 1140 - and the lady's family berated me for taking so long with her morning meds. They were right, I was late, it was wrong, maybe unsafe even, but there was nothing I could have done to change the course of that morning. I was PISSED that whole day, because some whackjob had thrown off my delicate new-nurse flow by over an hour. That whole day, I was bitchy, I was pouty, I was angry, I could not handle the injustice, and I found myself doing sudden, heavy sighs every few minutes. I never did that in my life before until I became a nurse. On a good day, no sighing. On a bad day, totally involuntary, rapid, heavy sighs. It was how I could tell I needed to take a step back and a breath.

I couldn't help being a negative Nancy on the job, but I really admired nurses who were positive, smiled all the time, and were willing to help me when I was in distress. And I found other Negative Nancies REALLY obnoxious. There was one night nurse who would have a major fit if you didn't change out an IV that was due to be changed that day. As if the 24 hour period for a day ends at 1930. Last I heard, nursing is a 24 hour job. I changed out IVs when I could, but sometimes more important things took precedence. And without fail, she would always make me feel like complete shit for not doing it, but it was only because she was a lazy ass who didnt want to do it herself.

But being cognizant of my own negativity leads me to believe that maybe I was an obnoxious nurse. And that makes me sad as hell.Why couldn't I get a grip when shit hit the fan?  If I could do it again (which I probably while at some point while I wait to get into med) I will make a conscious effort to not be such a massive pessimist.

Current schedule / plans

For my planning, not really an entry. Will revise as necessary because as we know, Man Plans, God Laughs. ha.

Spring '12: chm113, bio182, mat122 (refresher)
Sum '12: precalc, chm116
Fall '12: phy111, ochem1, calculus
Spring '13: phy113, ochem2

May - Aug 2013: study MCAT
Aug 2013: take MCAT
Aug 2013 - May 2014: WORK (save cash, bump clinical hrs), write personal statement
May 2014 - start applications (MD & DO)
June 2014 - submit applications, transcripts/LOR/whatever/verify all apps are complete
June '14 - July '15* - WORK (hopefully hear back during this time that I got in, start planning wedding)
July '15 marry, honeymoon
Aug '15 matriculate


*
Get in= start planning wedding for prior to matriculation (hopefully timing of hearing back does not make this impossible)
Not get in =evaluate for areas of improvement, start working to improve

I hate telling people I'm pre-med

People know I went to nursing school. They're always surprised to hear I'm back in school again. What are you taking? They want to know every last detail of why I need to take more school, now that I'm a nurse. It makes me feel pretentious. Pompous. Telling people my plans generally makes me uncomfortable. But when you try to skirt around the issue as they insist upon knowing, it makes them suspicious. So you try to tell them, without making it seem like a big deal. Because really, it's not. You haven't accomplished anything by being pre-med, yet people give you premature congratulations. It has happened time and time again. Oh, you're going to med school?! They want to shake my hand, like I've done something for the world. Ummmm, no, I'm not going to med school. I'm going to apply. That's all. I try to omit this information as much as possible, I don't volunteer it, but people are so nosy, and brushing them off doesn't feel good either.

I went to go take a midterm for one of my classes today and I ran into someone  - someone who I find particularly dense and obnoxious and whose existence I don't really enjoy but anyway - I hadn't seen her in 3 years and she knew that I was going to nursing school in the past.

her: so are you done with nursing school? why are you taking more classes?

me: yes, I'm a nurse. I'm just taking some science classes.

her: for what?

me: ....I'm going to apply to med school

her: Oh my God, so you're gonna be a doctor?!!?!?

me: No. pauses. I mean hopefully. Its not like its guaranteed.

her: oh I know, but you're smart!

me: we'll see.

then I scratched my itchy stomach without thinking much about it, and she said,
"Oh and you're pregnant too?!" (I told you she was dense).

me: uh... no.

her: oh, okay, I didn't... I mean you know how pregnant ladies sometimes they do that thing where they touch their stomach and oh my God okay I..I'm sorry I just...

me: yea, it's okay.

her: I'm sorry I just thought that because you touched your stomach, you know, I didn't mean anything by it and...

me: okay, I dont care, its okay.


snarl.

Conversations with Doctors.

I met some really great, kind doctors while I was working, that I cant say enough nice things about. They were patient with me as a new nurse, and they were the quickest to compliment my nursing and appreciate my work. On the other hand, because we don't live in puppies-n-candycane land, as you might imagine...not all interactions were of the positive sort. Below, a compilation of my, and some friend/colleague conversations with doctors. These are not sweeping generalizations, they are actual conversations that have occured. So before I begin I want to say thank you to doctors who treat nurses like human beings and not ostomy bags.
______________________________________________________


me: hi Dr X, I'm calling on pt X in room X, Dr. Hospitalist wants to order a PICC but needs your authorization first.

Dr X on phone: *insert ridiculously fast, incomprehensible prolonged unnecessary yelling here*
.
Dr X later that day, in person: Hi, are you the nurse for pt X? how is he doing? hey, (lowers voice, leans in close), where are you from? (...). Oh, I thought you were. Well, have a great day!

(um did I not look like what you imagined on the phone?)
___________________________

new night ICU RN: pt in room X has a blood sugar of (insert ridiculously high number here)
doc on call: pick a number between 1 and 10
nurse: excuse me?
doc: pick a number between 1 and 10
nurse: 8
doc: okay, give him 8 units of regular insulin. *hangs up*


(is this even legal?)
__________________________________

cards on call:  why are you calling me when this patient's trop's are not critical?
night nurse who waited until 6am to call as courtesy to notoriously grumpy doc: I am still required by hospital policy to notify you of the elevation
*long silence*
nurse: do you have orders for me, or not?
*long silence*


(way to compromise patient safety doc. just give the damn orders or hang up. )
___________________________________
cards doc walks in: who the fuck smells?!
nurse: I am wearing perfume. and don't speak to me that way.
doc: this is a hospital for fuck's sake!


(ok, he has a point, but...whats with the delivery?)
___________________________________

me: hi doc, pt in room x is requesting ibuprofen for (insert pain here)
doc: *waves me off, in a friendly way*
me: so then, you'll put in the order?
doc: *waves me off again, friendly again*
me: so then should I put in the order?
doc: *waves me off once again*


(WTF BRO, how did you get through med school? Learn to communicate!)
______________________________________

question for people that have done this before.

I realized while flipping through MSAR today that the majority of people that get into med school, have research experience (as in 70-90%+ of applicants). Great.

I have tried contacting research labs directly. One was partially interested (asked for my resume and wanted to know exactly what I was looking for) but I just didn't have the 20+ hours a week to invest and I didn't quite meet their stringent criteria anyway. (they want only degree-seeking individuals, and I am post bacc.). If I dont have time to do research, is it a deal breaker? I have roughly 1300 hours of clinical experience and am planning on shadowing (I know a jolly surgeon and a kind hospitalist. Two of my favorite doctors) and volunteering in medical related things (hospice, medical brigades fundraising) STAT. Must I research, too?

And how important is it to have a hobby? I mean, I have a hobby - I love to write. I have written lyrics and poems and reflective essays for the majority of my life, but I am not published or anything. I do it for my own personal fulfillment. Do I have to prove that my hobby is legitimate? What does that even mean? I am probably reading too far into this.

Regardless, I finally figured out my school/MCAT/application plans. Huzzah. Looks like I will be applying to matriculate in 2014.

attributes to avoid

Something I need to work on:

Self deprecation - I know there is a time and place for it. But constant streams of, "I'm such a clutz" "I'm such a dork!" only serve to reassure people that you are at face value what you say you are: a dorky clutz. Personally, I always find myself saying, "I'm directionally challenged." What a cop out. I let myself get off easy there. I really do struggle to find my way around sometimes, but I think its made worse by the fact that people expect it of me, because I told them to.  Instead of forcing myself to get better at spatial reasoning, I continue to fail at it, because people around me expect and allow me to. For an entire year of nursing school, a classmate and I carpooled. As in, she drove, I paid her gas money. Because I didn't want her to see me drive the freeways, in fear that I would get lost and look like a douche bag. She thought I hated freeways - I actually love freeways, when I was driving alone! I let (implored, begged) her to drive because I hated finding our new rotation sites, where to park, how to find the location we were meeting the rest of the group at, how to find my way between different sites at the hospital. It worked out like a charm, but it enabled my "I cant find my way" complex. Eventually we stopped carpooling and with the help of my iphone maps, I found my way around just fine. Now I just try to show up early and ask people when I cant find my way. Seems to work just fine.

I need to trust myself more.

NurseyNurse checking in, first time.

So, how does one introduce themselves anonymously, anyway? I'm a relatively newly minted nurse that worked for a while, right out of school (once licensed of course) in a pretty large hospital in a city somewhere in the US. As much as I learned, and loved what I did, I cannot properly express the mental anguish I felt as a new nurse, because there was no way I could physically do everything that was asked of me, in the time I was given to do it, but somehow it had to get done anyway. That whole thing about asking for help? There's not always someone there to help you. But I loved taking care of my patients. I really did. I left my job as an RN to pursue my premedical studies, because it has always and forever, been my end goal. Why did you bother becoming a nurse then?, one nurse said to me in the med room during my last 2 weeks on the job. I bothered becoming a nurse because it was the closest I could get meanwhile, that's why. It is my truth, resent me or not. Being a nurse was thankless and exhausting, but I do not regret a second of it. It changed who I am. I'm mostly planning on using this blog for its original purpose: to document my pre-med process and the tumultous journey to med school, in hopes that this will be useful to somebody else out there now or in the future. As yet, I have no idea just how tumultous it will be. Right now, I'm still in the process of taking the pre-med classes. I have my BSN.

Currently the annoyance of my life is figuring out when the right time is to take my MCAT. Do I take it at the end of the semester in which, I have one class left the following semester?  I would have to study MCAT and finals at the same time. Or do I wait till I'm fully done with pre-med before taking MCAT? Because that would delay my application by a whole year. Can't decide. I have to admit now that I'll be in my late 20's before I even finish pre-meds. I also have a honey that I plan to marry and have children with sometime in the near future, and not working during such a long process just doesn't bode well for getting married and supporting yourself, does it now? So, I constantly have to stop myself from taking the paved road. Going back to work part time, and starting the NP program I was accepted into, later this year. Sure, I'm in. I could probably convince myself that it was the same thing. But it's not. And I will never be satisfied. So I will continue to take the less certain path - the path that leads to rejection for most people. I will do what it takes to get there, and I have a supportive life partner who is down for the journey as well. What more could I ask for?

I went to a pre-health advisor last semester. My cum. GPA for my BSN is 3.53. She told me, "you must get all A's in these pre-med classes if you want to have a chance of getting in" - ouch. Well, so far, I'm 1 for 1. We'll see how I do at the end of this brand spankin new semester. 8-9 hard science classes and I'm not allowed a single B? Not sure how this is going to work, but I'm going to try.

NurseyNurse