I dont know whats going on. I'm trying to ignore it. I have been so painfully bloated for the last 2 days that it feels like my stomach is spasming - it is incredibly painful. I look suddenly pregnant.
I dont want to be a douche and go to the ED (can you imagine the giggles when a nurse with gas problems shows up at the ED) but the pain is almost unbearable. I'm going to try and make an apmt with my favorite NP at my docs office tomorrow and see if she has any suggestions. I've tried OTC meds, abdominal massage, crazy yoga moves....nothin'. Something's gotta give.
Ps) after studying my brains out for 4 days, I think the bio test went relatively well. I went to see my teacher 3 x for help. I also emailed questions. I lived and breathed his voice for 2 days (audio lecture recordings) to the point where I was reciting the lectures with the recording - and made tables and graphs and whatever. I feel like I have something to prove after bombing the first test. I'm gonna feel like a major ass after consuming so much of his help if I don't at least get a B this time.
Also, chemistry is just.not.working.out. Maybe I'm the lone fool that has the comprehension of a fly. I cannot grasp it without help, and my availability does not always mesh well with the availability of my amazing tutor. We were supposed to meet tomorrow - instead I'm desperately seeking a doctors appointment. Cest la vie.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
every once in a while, you get a good one.
All of last semester, I never went to see my bio prof. Who tries his hardest to be there for his students. Seriously: he has office hours 4 days a week. But second semester bio just doesnt make sense in the same way semester 1 did to me. I am detail oriented like a motherfluffer. Small biology concepts are easy to nail down. Big biology leaves so much open to interpretation. I was a little unclear on something (youll see in a minute - but first, a story).
I tend to sleep in weird cycles. Stay up all night, go to class, come home and nap late for 4 hours, stay up all night...repeat, for a few days, and then I get so exhausted that I just pass out at 9pm and wake up well rested the next day, and the cycle repeats itself. But night is my most productive time, so I tend to stay up for schoolwork. One time, I had been literally up all night the night before class. I then went to lecture, and answered a question he posed to the class (this is kind of a rare occurence for me). I had the right answer, but the voice I used to answer the question was a quiet one. I was running on fumes. So instead of reinforcing the fact that I had the right answer, I got jokingly chastised for lacking confidence.
Little did he know I was not lacking confidence, I was merely about to die of exhaustion. School means alot to me. I like to know what the hell I'm doing. I think that a little too much of my self worth is wrapped up in my performance in these classes right now.
So then, for Bio 2, when I couldnt figure out how to calculate genotypic and allelic frequencies by looking at bands, I knew I had to go get help. So I went to office hours and he was so incredibly helpful. I dont think Ive had a more helpful teacher in my entire life. It was mindblowing. And next semester promises to be heavy for me. Maybe it wouldn't be for other people, but it's heavy for me: Gen Chem 2 and Physics 1. But this teacher, is such a fantastic teacher, and I feel like I am nowhere near done learning what he has to teach. So I'm going to take his genetics class, just to take it. Call me a damned fool. But It has been 10 years since I had a teacher that took the prize home for awesome professor.
I dont know how to explain it. To be a good prof requires a lot of things. Not only do you have to know the material inside and out (obviously), but you have to be good at teaching it. This seems DUH at first thought, but how many crappy professors have we all had? Why is it so hard to be a good prof? You have to be good at explaining it, you have to be patient with those that dont understand it, you have to be able to improvise and come up with 5 different ways of saying the same thing in hopes that one of these explanations will bring light to the darkness (and there is no worse feeling in school than feeling like youre too stupid to comprehend something), you have to care enough about your students' success to make yourself available to assist them in their understanding. You have to care.
It all boils down to the fact that the best professors are the ones students trust as human beings first, then as teachers. So with that being said, I'm taking genetics for no good reason other than to glean some more knowledge from this individual that I hope never stops teaching.
I tend to sleep in weird cycles. Stay up all night, go to class, come home and nap late for 4 hours, stay up all night...repeat, for a few days, and then I get so exhausted that I just pass out at 9pm and wake up well rested the next day, and the cycle repeats itself. But night is my most productive time, so I tend to stay up for schoolwork. One time, I had been literally up all night the night before class. I then went to lecture, and answered a question he posed to the class (this is kind of a rare occurence for me). I had the right answer, but the voice I used to answer the question was a quiet one. I was running on fumes. So instead of reinforcing the fact that I had the right answer, I got jokingly chastised for lacking confidence.
Little did he know I was not lacking confidence, I was merely about to die of exhaustion. School means alot to me. I like to know what the hell I'm doing. I think that a little too much of my self worth is wrapped up in my performance in these classes right now.
So then, for Bio 2, when I couldnt figure out how to calculate genotypic and allelic frequencies by looking at bands, I knew I had to go get help. So I went to office hours and he was so incredibly helpful. I dont think Ive had a more helpful teacher in my entire life. It was mindblowing. And next semester promises to be heavy for me. Maybe it wouldn't be for other people, but it's heavy for me: Gen Chem 2 and Physics 1. But this teacher, is such a fantastic teacher, and I feel like I am nowhere near done learning what he has to teach. So I'm going to take his genetics class, just to take it. Call me a damned fool. But It has been 10 years since I had a teacher that took the prize home for awesome professor.
I dont know how to explain it. To be a good prof requires a lot of things. Not only do you have to know the material inside and out (obviously), but you have to be good at teaching it. This seems DUH at first thought, but how many crappy professors have we all had? Why is it so hard to be a good prof? You have to be good at explaining it, you have to be patient with those that dont understand it, you have to be able to improvise and come up with 5 different ways of saying the same thing in hopes that one of these explanations will bring light to the darkness (and there is no worse feeling in school than feeling like youre too stupid to comprehend something), you have to care enough about your students' success to make yourself available to assist them in their understanding. You have to care.
It all boils down to the fact that the best professors are the ones students trust as human beings first, then as teachers. So with that being said, I'm taking genetics for no good reason other than to glean some more knowledge from this individual that I hope never stops teaching.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
a lot of ambivalence...yesterday.
First exam grades of the semester. Bio182: 76.7%. Chm113: 86%. Funny, I was so much more stressed, hurried and sure that I failed when it came to the chem test.
I fluctuate a lot in my resolve. Some days I feel like I can do this, for sure. Then I get my test grade back in bio and its a 76...and it eats at my soul. I couldn't even focus on lecture today because I was so dejected. I'm not one of those dorks that cries when I get a 99% instead of 100%.
Its just that shitty grades make me feel like my dreams are slipping away. I'm not even going to mention the fact that there was a screaming toddler in the room during the bio exam. Oh, oops, I mentioned it. Am I bitter? Maybe a little. A woman had trouble securing childcare for the toddler and the (em)pathetic instructor allowed her to sit for the exam, wailing child in tow.
As far as my grade on that exam: there were only 30 questions. One of the questions, I read incorrectly and answered backwards. Then there was another question - I knew the right answer but I didn't choose it because of the word choice - my teacher tends to be incredibly particular with his word choice. I thought he was being tricky. Turns out he was not. He told me maybe I was overanalyzing the question. He was probably right. Now I'm blubbering.
But the point is that some days I feel like I've already done my work - I've already gotten my undergrad degree, I've already gotten into grad school, and its due to start in 6 months. So why should I carry on torturing myself, trying to get into med school? There are many pros to DNP school. Primarily done in 4 years, relatively high pay, lower student loans, able to function much more independently and take care of patients on a more satisfying level than as a staff nurse, definitely more conducive to the childbearing process than medical. Some days, I feel that it's enough for me. That I wouldn't be giving anything up if I took that path.
But those moments are fleeting and my resolve returns as fast as it leaves. And I know sure as day that it isnt enough for me. It just isnt. Unless it has to be. So for as long as I can, until someone stops me and says, "no more", I'm going to carry on.
I fluctuate a lot in my resolve. Some days I feel like I can do this, for sure. Then I get my test grade back in bio and its a 76...and it eats at my soul. I couldn't even focus on lecture today because I was so dejected. I'm not one of those dorks that cries when I get a 99% instead of 100%.
Its just that shitty grades make me feel like my dreams are slipping away. I'm not even going to mention the fact that there was a screaming toddler in the room during the bio exam. Oh, oops, I mentioned it. Am I bitter? Maybe a little. A woman had trouble securing childcare for the toddler and the (em)pathetic instructor allowed her to sit for the exam, wailing child in tow.
As far as my grade on that exam: there were only 30 questions. One of the questions, I read incorrectly and answered backwards. Then there was another question - I knew the right answer but I didn't choose it because of the word choice - my teacher tends to be incredibly particular with his word choice. I thought he was being tricky. Turns out he was not. He told me maybe I was overanalyzing the question. He was probably right. Now I'm blubbering.
But the point is that some days I feel like I've already done my work - I've already gotten my undergrad degree, I've already gotten into grad school, and its due to start in 6 months. So why should I carry on torturing myself, trying to get into med school? There are many pros to DNP school. Primarily done in 4 years, relatively high pay, lower student loans, able to function much more independently and take care of patients on a more satisfying level than as a staff nurse, definitely more conducive to the childbearing process than medical. Some days, I feel that it's enough for me. That I wouldn't be giving anything up if I took that path.
But those moments are fleeting and my resolve returns as fast as it leaves. And I know sure as day that it isnt enough for me. It just isnt. Unless it has to be. So for as long as I can, until someone stops me and says, "no more", I'm going to carry on.
Monday, February 6, 2012
filed a complaint with board of medicine
I believe whole-heartedly in due process, but I want to note that about a week ago, with a heavy heart, I filed a complaint to the medical board in my state against my physician, who I'll call "Dr. Whatever."
In short, I went in to see Dr. Whatever, and I assessed that something was seriously amiss with them - it left me concerned for public safety. So after some consideration, I filed a complaint. I kept it objective. An investigator from the board called today to gather further information. The phone call lasted 9 minutes, and they wanted an account of exactly how the encounter went.
I was nervous talking to the board, because I was raised not to rat on people, to stay out of things, to trust that our Maker would ultimately judge as He saw fit. I was taught to fear retaliation. But then I became a nurse and all that went out the window.
The investigator gave me her contact info, told me when the investigation was concluded that I would receive a letter in the mail advising me of the outcome. I already have a feeling I know how this is going to go.
I have a lot of ambivalence and it annoys me. I know I did the right thing, yet I feel like I've somehow betrayed Dr Whatever. Especially if it turns out that my concerns were unfounded. I have to trust what I saw and heard, but you cant help but second-guess yourself. You know that unsettled feeling you get when you're arguing with someone who's important to you? That's how I feel. I feel embattled, like I'm waiting for something bad to happen to me (not that I think anyone is going to do anything bad to me - it's just a feeling).
In short, I went in to see Dr. Whatever, and I assessed that something was seriously amiss with them - it left me concerned for public safety. So after some consideration, I filed a complaint. I kept it objective. An investigator from the board called today to gather further information. The phone call lasted 9 minutes, and they wanted an account of exactly how the encounter went.
I was nervous talking to the board, because I was raised not to rat on people, to stay out of things, to trust that our Maker would ultimately judge as He saw fit. I was taught to fear retaliation. But then I became a nurse and all that went out the window.
The investigator gave me her contact info, told me when the investigation was concluded that I would receive a letter in the mail advising me of the outcome. I already have a feeling I know how this is going to go.
I have a lot of ambivalence and it annoys me. I know I did the right thing, yet I feel like I've somehow betrayed Dr Whatever. Especially if it turns out that my concerns were unfounded. I have to trust what I saw and heard, but you cant help but second-guess yourself. You know that unsettled feeling you get when you're arguing with someone who's important to you? That's how I feel. I feel embattled, like I'm waiting for something bad to happen to me (not that I think anyone is going to do anything bad to me - it's just a feeling).
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