a lot of ambivalence...yesterday.

First exam grades of the semester. Bio182: 76.7%. Chm113: 86%. Funny, I was so much more stressed, hurried and sure that I failed when it came to the chem test.

I fluctuate a lot in my resolve. Some days I feel like I can do this, for sure. Then I get my test grade back in bio and its a 76...and it eats at my soul. I couldn't even focus on lecture today because I was so dejected. I'm not one of those dorks that cries when I get a 99% instead of 100%.

Its just that shitty grades make me feel like my dreams are slipping away. I'm not even going to mention the fact that there was a screaming toddler in the room during the bio exam. Oh, oops, I mentioned it. Am I bitter? Maybe a little. A woman had trouble securing childcare for the toddler and the (em)pathetic instructor allowed her to sit for the exam, wailing child in tow.

As far as my grade on that exam: there were only 30 questions. One of the questions, I read incorrectly and answered backwards. Then there was another question - I knew the right answer but I didn't choose it because of the word choice - my teacher tends to be incredibly particular with his word choice. I thought he was being tricky. Turns out he was not. He told me maybe I was overanalyzing the question. He was probably right. Now I'm blubbering.

But the point is that some days I feel like I've already done my work - I've already gotten my undergrad degree, I've already gotten into grad school, and its due to start in 6 months. So why should I carry on torturing myself, trying to get into med school? There are many pros to DNP school. Primarily done in 4 years, relatively high pay, lower student loans, able to function much more independently and take care of patients on a more satisfying level than as a staff nurse, definitely more conducive to the childbearing process than medical. Some days, I feel that it's enough for me. That I wouldn't be giving anything up if I took that path.

But those moments are fleeting and my resolve returns as fast as it leaves. And I know sure as day that it isnt enough for me. It just isnt. Unless it has to be. So for as long as I can, until someone stops me and says, "no more", I'm going to carry on.